Saturday, November 15, 2014

I am worth the fight

"Why haven't you been blogging, Mariam?", people say, And I always reply with: "well you know, things have been the same lately and I really don't have juicy material to "voice out" about!

My family, oh I mean the people, oh I mean my fans care about my mental well-being and they know exactly how important my voice and words are to me and the impact of expressing my thoughts on my overall health. Lately, everyone has been concerned with how well I've been coping with the changes that have occurred last year except for me. I was sure, a 100 percent sure, that I was completely fine. That I wasn't only coping, I was doing great! 

Earlier today, I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine when she asked me how I was doing. Knowing her coffee addiction I told her: Imagine if one day you woke up and they told you that after having the same cup of coffee everyday, you just cannot have it anymore. Not today, not ever. Now imagine being loved by the same person for almost seven years, and one day, one awful day, someone calls you to tell you that this person, the only person you were comfortable being you around, has simply chosen to take the road most taken. My reaction then was to swear to never shed a tear! Yup, I am very dramatic in nature. Very emotional too. Then again, imagine that the people that have been showering you with nothing but love for the past 24 years have chosen to travel back to your hometown. Yup. Sucks big time. Well I still have no idea why I've chosen to react in that manner but I just did. It felt like the right thing to do. 

I did a great job covering the voids. Little did I know that a year and half after the "incident", the moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie, but it definitely did not feel like amore! So no Dean Martin, allow me to correct you. It felt like I have opened my own pandora's box and all the evil that was there started pouring out! 

Two days ago, I felt it. It's like the curse I have put on myself was finally lifted. I felt every single emptiness that was there to feel! I hate it the idea that as an expressive person, I forbade my own self to express what had to be felt. I have been dragging myself to rock bottom subconsciously -or consciously- at this moment it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I am free. For the first time in a long time I know what that means and more importantly, how it feels. I am not empty, I simply have more room to look in, reflect and grow into the woman I have always wanted to be. 

My epiphany moment(s) might have taken a while, but better now than never. I know I'm ready and I am right back at the starting line and I will fight my way back to the person I was becoming, because I'm simply worth the fight. 


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I speak, therefore I am

When I first started blogging, I chose the first title I could come up with: Mariam's Voice. Growing up, I have always had the option (or so I would like to believe) to voice out whenever I pleased, but I never really knew how far this will impact me through out the years. 

Today, I am not talking about the general concept of sharing my opinions whenever I wish -I tend to do that a lot- but I am rather talking about a more specific kind of voicing out. 

While driving back home this weekend, I had good two hours to think about something I have never paid much attention to until recently: my ability to speak my emotions. The ability to express what I feel and how I feel towards people.

Until recently, I never knew how hard it is for my surroundings to express their emotions to each other! I never paid attention to the fact that so many women and men alike find difficulty in approaching one another... And so my thoughts kept going back and forth trying to figure out the reasons behind this. I wouldn't say that they are avoiding the obvious situation. I also wouldn't say that they are avoiding waking up the elephant in the room... But I would totally say that most of them prefer walking on eggshells and I personally see no point in doing this.

Now most people who have already met me knows how deeply I feel about sharing my thoughts and emotions (hello! My posts are always so personal and well, sharing is caring). They also know that I am all for "Carpe Diem". I guess what I am trying to say here is that I don't see why anyone would find it so hard to write his/her words down especially if the person in front of them is an open book of blank pages waiting for them to lay their thoughts and emotions upon them!

Here's all I have to say to you today: take a chance. Voice out and speak up because you never know what you are missing and you never know who you will be inspiring.... And most importantly, you have nothing to lose. Oh and yes, one day, eventually, it will be too late.

After two exhausting hours of over analysing every single situation I have been through lately, I arrived home, parked my car and put on one last song: 
"I don't want to judge

What's in your heart

But if you're not ready for love
How can you be ready for life?
How can you be ready for life?"

So go on, carry that pen in your hand and avoid doodling on previous chapters, for my book has far too many empty pages ready to be filled up.

One last thought: a huge warm thank you to my voice that never failed me. I might have been put down in reaction to the words I say and the emotions I feel, but I have always find a way to rise up and will continue to do so. 


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Words of a Believer

"The first break up is always the toughest," they said. Back then, when I was a 17 year old teenager with a broken heart and tub of ice cream, I didn't believe them. I thought to myself: "A break up is a break up! It is going to break me regardless if it's the first time or not." I was wrong.

A year ago (I guess it was a year ago), my best friend/almost lover and I separated, after having been together for 6-ish years. And it turned out that people were right. It might not necessarily be easier, but I sure felt stronger this time. Maybe it's the age, or that I am 'more' mature now, or maybe it's just that I am a big believer in love and I truly believe that love will always find a way in your life if you let it.

Why am I sharing this? All this personal talk? I wake up everyday knowing that there is a woman or a man out there that got their heart broken. There is another human being who has been rejected because they are from a different religious background, a different nationality, or strictly because their image don't fit the fantasy that the other person has  - yes I am talking about the physical appearance here regardless of how shallow this might sound, it happens. 

Cry, cry hard if you wish. Tear all his/her letters into shreds. Do whatever will make you go through this and never ever think that these are signs of weakness. You will go through an emotional roller coaster and it's ok! Yes, it is. Embrace every single emotion that will hit you along the way - no matter how long the journey takes.

And when the right time comes, and your heart feels those tingly emotions again, make sure you accept and welcome them with open arms. Never stop believing in the power of love and how far it can get you in life. 

Love is beautiful. Love is magic.


Sunday, April 20, 2014

إلى من أهدتني نصف عمرها

متل اليوم من 24 سنة، كانت حاملتني عإيديّا...

متل اليوم، استقبلتني بكل ما عندا من حب وعطاء من دون حتى ما تعرف عني أي شي...

متل اليوم، وبعمر ال24، جابتني ماما عالدني وهي ما متصورة كيف رح بتكون مريم لما يصير عمرا 24...

متل اليوم، بلش مشوار حياتي لعشتو وعم عيشو كل يوم من دون ما اتوقع بكرة شو جايبلي معو...

متل اليوم من كم سنة، ولا بحياتي كنت رح اتصور حالي كنت رح بكون عايشة هالايام، مع عالم كتير حواليي بس من دون عالم تانية كمان...

بهاليوم، قررت بلش نهاري بإني روح عالبحر، إقعد وما إطلّع حواليي هالمرة، بالعكس... قررت إنو سكّر عيوني وإطلّع وإسمع شو عم يصير جواتي...

بهاليوم، اتأكدت إنو أنا بشكر الله لعطاني كتير نعم وبنفس الوقت حرمني من كتير غيرن...

بهاليوم، بهديكي يا ماما كل سنيني لمضوا واللي راحو لأنو لولاكي ما كنت بكون ولا بعمري رح بكون...


Friday, April 11, 2014

قصة قصيرة: عن حياة وردة

مسكت هالوردة ونتّفت بهالأوراق...و بين إيه ولأ وبحبني وما بحبني ضيعت شويّة وقت وحياة هالمسكينة!

كتير بستغرب من حالي احيانا...كيف بصير بصب كامل اهتمامي عشخص يمكن اسم عيلته لسا مابعرفو...

سألت لحواليّ وبحبشت بgoogle وطلع هيدا الشي بيطلقوا عليه شي اسمو....اسمو...أيوا! "الاعجاااااب"!

هيدا معناتو يا أعزائي لما وحدة بذكائي تبطل تستخدم هالمخ لعندا... لما الوحدة يصير همّا الوحيد إنو يصبّح ويمسّي عليّا الأفندي لتركض عند إخواتا ورفقاتا تخبرّن.. لمّا الوحدة تصير يرقص قلبا من الفرح لمّا يرمشلا بعيونو - إنو بركي بتفهم عليه بلغة العيون!

بس -وأعوذ بالله من كلمة "بس" شو بكرها- بيمشي الوقت والوحدة بتفهم إنو تصبيحتو وتمسايتو شي بمارسه هو مع جميع لحواليه (حنون يؤبرني)... وإنه ترميشة عيونو ناجمة عن الغبار لعمت عبصيرتا قبل بصيرتو...وإنو كان أشرفلا تحط الوردة بشي مزهرية بنص الغرفة أحسن ما تاعد تلملم بهالأوراق وهالكم حبة أمل الباقية عندا... الأمل والإيمان إنو حيجي الإنسان لمتلو متلا، ما بيتحسس من الجو وعيونو مفتحة عشرة على عشرة في وجة الغبار وفي سبيل إنو ينعمى عألبو قبل بصيرتو شي يوم... شي يوم... شي يووووم!


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

منقول عن شعري - بفتح الشين

صحوت اليوم على فاجعة! حاولت أن أفهم ما حل به بين ليلة وضحاها...شعري! شعري الذي لطالما تباهيت به بات متبري من "بصلة" رأسي! وعوضا عن تناثره فوق كتفي (كما نص اتفاقنا)، قرر أن يمد بألسنته ليحكي ما يعجز رأسي عن فهمه أحيانا. فقال:

أرادك يا مريم خروفة على شاكلته، تتمشين مختبأة وراء القطيع نحو "مصيركم المحتوم".بس فشرت بنص عينه وعينهم! كنت وما زلت خروفة حرة! تسيرين نحو الوجهة التي تحلو لك، وحدك...إلى أن يأتي الخروف الذي يؤمن بما آمنتم به "سوية"...

مزبوط يا شعري العزيز، سأتمشى أنا وخروفي سوية (أو لحالي، مش فارقة)، بعيدا عن كل القطيع... نحو مصيري الذي لطالما تحدثنا عنه أنا وهو... وبالأخير، ضلّ عنه وعني...

Thursday, February 20, 2014

A Broken Heart's Imagination

Today, I will be sharing a simple thought that occurred to me a week ago while I was sobbing - because you know, my epiphanies only rise when I hit rock bottom!

So my beloved readers, why do we miss people we are no longer in touch with? Why do we keep re-playing everything we shared with them over and over again? Yes, that's right, because with them we created the unforgettable memories. It was them all along that made that cup of coffee tastier, that movie funnier.... With them, we learnt how to love things outside our interests' circle, and with them we learnt how to appreciate the hours that push us closer to the not-so-happy ending.

They left. And although they are physically no longer here with us in any shape or form, we can still imagine them sitting at that specific bench, drinking that karak tea and eating their favourite smoked turkey sandwich. We can still smell them on our cardigans and scarves and  hear them whisper in our ears things that no one else would ever know nor understand.
All these and more could leave one after a breakup with a broken heart and endless (angry and/or sad) tears, I guess.

If we take a step back, just one step back and look at the present picture. Not our picture but theirs. How they look like now, what they do, how far they've become, who they hang out with... We will see no familiar places or faces. At least I know I don't anymore.

Do you see what I see now? They were who they were around us because together we created the perfect combination. And now, that they're sipping their different type of tea at a different place with different people, I can guarantee you that they, themselves are different. They are not the same people you created together, but most importantly, we are not the same people either.
Take another step back and look at yourselves, you will see my fellow heart broken readers that you have evolved. So hold on and embrace whatever the hell is about to come.

Lots of love and support from MC to you.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

"Just make sure he is not already married."

"French manicure and pedicure please," I said with a wide smile.

The salon lady: "But ma'am you always put colourful nailpolish."

"Not this time. This time I'm doing things differently..." I said with an even wider smile.

I was looking forward to my date on Sunday. A date I never thought would happen, not now, not in a million years! We met five/six years ago in a psychology class - he was older. We'd have the occasional greetings and that would be it. Not until recently that we had the guts to take the conversation further. We would talk for couple of days - take a break- then speak again. But our conversations never really went very far from the usual casual ones between two strangers. 

He was the first crush I had after the huge break up I went through, so you can imagine how big of a deal it was for me to open up to someone, this fast. He said all the right words. He had the right manners. He wasn't like all other dates I went with the past year. He wasn't stingy, he didn't ask if I would consider having six abs and he didn't ask me to live in a studio, quit my job and raise his children (yup, been there). Anyways, his boldness was so refreshing. He seemed like he knew what he wanted and said and did the appropriate thing; he asked me out right away. I said yes.

Having a strong relationship with momzy, I told her that I am talking with an old "friend" and that he is extremely "sweet" and "different". She laughed knowing that there was more to it. She then put down the dishes and said as she giggled: "Just make sure he is not already married." So of course, I denied that there was anything happening - cos there wasn't. And so I went to the salon on Friday to do the "necessary".

Friday, just two days before our date, he remembered to share a very important point with me. I was all anxious wanting to know what was wrong - I say wrong because his tone was extremely serious, unlike the usual. I received the message from him and immediately told the salon lady that I have changed my mind. I no longer wanted french manicure and pedicure, I wanted gold. gold nail polish. Oh, and the message said that he really likes me. But it also said -wait for it- that he is E-N-G-A-G-E-D. Yup, engaged. 

I know I know...another experience...another lesson learnt. So, what did I learn other than knowing that mama is a psychic? I learnt that I will always be a sucker for romance. I will always say yes if I feel like I want to. I will never settle. I will never wait. And ok fine, I won't believe a man when he says he is not engaged - because this time, I actually asked and only got the true answer right before my date.