Wednesday, September 26, 2012

To the Ones Who Still See the Best in Me...

A year and couple of months ago, this quote was all over my facebook page. Back then, I thought that I really understood what it meant and what it was all about. I posted it with certain people in my mind showing them that YES! I'm over you and yes, I'm done running after you asking you to re-live our memories. I admit I'm known for being an attention freak and maybe I tend to always be the centre of attention BUT I know that I've never asked for something I didn't provide the other person with.  Don't get me wrong, I understand the whole concept of giving without expecting anything from others. But they were not the "others". They were 'the people' in my life. 

Couple of days ago, I re-posted this quote. No, not because I'm such a big fan of this post but rather because I think I finally got to the point where I don't want to run after them. It is clear to me now that we are not on the same page, not even in the same book.  I'm not going to deny how frustrated this leaves me but I know, I know very well, that it's not worth the effort anymore. Our relationship is not worth me getting devastated over false expectations and faded memories. 

I know this note might not get to the people I'm letting go off because it wouldn't really catch their attention if I write a post or win the Pulitzer award! But for those people who are still by my side despite the distances, differences and the headaches I give them everyday: thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are the reason why I choose to be better person, a person who lives  her passions and seeks the best in herself.

Although I still love and cherish every single memory I lived with them and until this day I get so thrilled if I ever see their number brightening my phone screen, I hope and I pray that I don't have to go through this again. Nevertheless, I'll always see the good in people because there are people who see the good in me, granting me the opportunity of being a better person everyday. 


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Shushing the Evil Voices in My Head

I want to slap her so bad...I want to pull her hair and drag her down 24 floors... and I want to stab him right in the face, between his eyes. I want to take his lighter and... OK. I think now is the right time I stop sharing some of the many thoughts that shuffle through my wide imagination while having to deal with some of the 'annoying' people I meet every now and then.

There's not one single day that passes without me repeating these words over and over again. Trying so hard to picture these horrifying images to help me relax and survive these dreadful moments. But lately I was wondering, what if I simply stop deciphering their actions and words and just listen? Not react, but rather  l-i-s-t-e-n. And so I started adopting this 'technique' lately... But no, nothing has changed. I was still finding the same people 'annoying'. I wasn't going to quit. I decided to take it to another level. 

I started thinking about all the  people  that find me annoying (very few of course) and it occurred to me, what appeals as annoying to me might not be annoying to others. I decided to give 'accepting others' as they are a chance believing that nothing is impossible. I set my mind to it. I woke up in the morning thinking that today, no matter what, I'm not going to interpret anyone's words or actions. I will receive them as they are, even if they irritate and annoy the hell out of me!  This was a couple of weeks ago. I started accepting the just be method i.e. if I want to be, then I should accept others to just be no matter how they act or what they say. 

I'm not saying that this has been an easy process...not at all actually! I'm still living the process...accepting its circumstances with all its ups and downs to help me get to what I want...I want to be happy...I want to be joyful...I want to be energetic... I want to achieve my goals and live my passions... I want to just be.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

A Better Mariam Living a Better Today

This is not the first time I start plotting down a triggered thought, a lingering feeling or anything of that sort, but I've always managed to come up with an excuse to pause whatever is in my head. So, beloved reader, this is the first actual full 'voice out' I've written since my graduation  from university (15 months ago)! Well, you know what they say, it is never too late.

I'm sure most of you if not all of you are aware of my struggle with weight loss. Here's a quick summary in case I haven't told you before: lost 25 kgs in 1.5 years (yey) ==> then had a surgery which left me lying on beds and sofas for 6+ months (not so yey) ==> result: full recovery but gained all kilos back. You can only imagine how this experience left me. I was devastated. I was continuously brought down by what people say or dare not say. I couldn't get my head around the idea of having to go through the whole process again. That I have to work out day and night again. Change my lifestyle and eating habits again. And so I tried, I joined the gym and went there on a regular basis, but I was going with the most negative energy one can carry. It wasn't until last week that I realised that maybe doing it for the second round is not as bad as it sounds. Maybe, just maybe,  like I inspired people in my first journey, I am destined to inspire more this time. This way I'll be doing what I need to be doing while fulfilling one of my passions, helping others along the way. 

So what's different this time?  I am fully aware now that I should be working on the interior as much the exterior and that  re-living the past is not so bad as long as I'm doing it with a clearer vision. Although arriving to this realization took me what looks like forever but I'm happy, really happy, that I'm where I am finally and that's because of life coaching sessions -which I started recently-, gym training sessions and most importantly the support of family, friends and neighbors. 

Today, I can voice out and say:  I'm on the right path. I'm working towards my passions and towards a better Mariam in a better world living a better today.